A lot of issues float around because someone doesn’t understand you and it often leaves this feeling of strange pain and fear. Completely resulting out of sheer lack of not being understood. I guess the primary question that is to be asked is why would anyone invest in understanding you? The almost immediate answer is that in fact, no one should ever invest in understanding you except you, yourself. The main job and the only job in life bestowed upon each soul is to understand their own selves. The stronger the bond of the self, the radiant the self will be and thus the lesser the need to be understood by another body other than you. We are all taught to care, to share and to do good but I guess the primary receivers of this exact share, care and goodness are we first before anyone else. Imagine not being in love with your own self, what will you teach the world about love and more importantly, how will you show that love honestly to anyone? Hence, the basic act and practice starts with the first face that you see in the mirror when you stand in front of it each day. It’s you. And therefore, invest in you for that’s the best investment that you would ever do in a life.
If you think of yourself as a railway station or an airport; then all the planes, trains become the thoughts that come and go. Some stay longer than others. Some break down on your platforms and some need that extra time to clear your tracks. But they all eventually go and pass. Just as time and thoughts in a human.
The toughest bit is to be that station or that airport day after day, night after night, year after year. Maintaining that infrastructure, letting people and circumstances work on you, expanding and shrinking, perhaps at the same time. Having engineers repair your base, having someone put more bricks on you or even having someone to colour your walls for you can be daunting and exhausting for long.
If the mindfulness remains that you are not to convert yourself into one of your own passengers or into one of your own carriers, then whoever jumps on whatever vessel, is exactly like watching the world go by in its thoughts and battles without you being a part of the circus.
Most of the times, the loss of this mindful living is lost and the tendency to jump on that train in a search towards that destination is way too tempting than just to watch it go by.. And what does it bring? The destination still remains a far fetched dream and the journey becomes complicated without a reason or a cause.
Hence, to watch the world go by and being that station or that airport or that platform to let things be in the lap of time is a way into peace.
All the things that trouble me are my thoughts. Not only my thoughts but every other thought that’s thrown at me with a lot of conviction is also troubling. At times, I wonder, just these two words ‘I think’ create so much of stir inside that it gets to a point of no return. Whether this ‘I’ is you saying it to me or me saying it to me is irrelevant. Just the fact that this ‘I’ is succeeded by ‘think’ is good enough to trigger every possible emotion and raise the levels of anxiety in me.
I have always known and heard way too many times how I am not the body, how I am not the thoughts, how I am beyond all this but then the minute I step into life, thoughts become a part of my breath, things become a part of my being and somewhere all that I get reduced to is a thrash can trying to hold everything within.
I wish replacing thoughts with love was easy. I wish replacing thoughts with trust was easy. I know I am not there yet but I do know that it is where I want to be. Thoughtless for sure but in love and trust forever.
There’s an unspoken distance of words and thoughts
There’s an unchained ego of who I am and who you should be, with battles being fought
If I were to pause my life and find that one piece of peace
I don’t even know whether my definition of peace would turn into my own dictionary of calamity
At times, I wish the words would just flow, the thoughts would get defined eventually
But I am also aware that those defined limits perhaps wouldn’t hold my heart’s loyalty
What if I drown myself and I drown you as well in this huge stock up well of doubt and indecisiveness?!
Would you still forgive me and love me for the time sliced reconstructed identity finesse?!
There’re always pieces in a mundane routine, That remind me of you.
There’s always a strange anonymity day after day that make me think of you.
In the most unadulterated feature space of life, I do feel you.
With every little smile that crosses my mind, I hope it makes its way to you.
Each time I have said words to hurt you, I’ve hurt me too.
As day go by, and I sit still in silence, a strange sadness dawns on me..and I’m reminded of the times when I just couldn’t be me.
I hope one fine morning, as you sip your breakfast tea, you could feel the strange love that I have had all through, for you, in me.
many many years ago, I was at a dance studio with one of my contemporary dance teachers’, Ruth. She said .. ‘You’ move along with the ‘body’, not the other way round. I didn’t understand much of what she said at that time but today after all these years I realise that though ‘movement’ is confined to the ‘body’ there is a bigger and wider meaning to the ‘movement’ which transcends the mere cognition! So then it’s perfectly alright to spend years and years on the floor before ‘you’ even learn to stand up, I guess 🙂