A lot of issues float around because someone doesn’t understand you and it often leaves this feeling of strange pain and fear. Completely resulting out of sheer lack of not being understood. I guess the primary question that is to be asked is why would anyone invest in understanding you? The almost immediate answer is that in fact, no one should ever invest in understanding you except you, yourself. The main job and the only job in life bestowed upon each soul is to understand their own selves. The stronger the bond of the self, the radiant the self will be and thus the lesser the need to be understood by another body other than you. We are all taught to care, to share and to do good but I guess the primary receivers of this exact share, care and goodness are we first before anyone else. Imagine not being in love with your own self, what will you teach the world about love and more importantly, how will you show that love honestly to anyone? Hence, the basic act and practice starts with the first face that you see in the mirror when you stand in front of it each day. It’s you. And therefore, invest in you for that’s the best investment that you would ever do in a life.
There was a time when I thought and wished if all problems disappeared somehow without me having to deal with any of them. There was also a time when I felt that running away from everyone and everything that was unpleasant, challenged me and made me feel like an idiot was the way forward in life. In the process of running away and turning my back at everything that wasn’t in sync with me, I found myself in a big dark patch of life. In a patch where nothing could touch me but everything felt nice momentarily. Also, in that patch, I no longer knew who I was and where I wanted to go.
Like when things work in moments, the art of collecting those moments to make a life is when living and knowledge play a crucial role but if I have been keeping myself away from all criticisms and shielding myself from the negatives, then what knowledge would I have gathered? None, I believe. Hence, I never knew how to turn moments into life because by and large, while I ran very hard from everything that bothered me momentarily, I also found places to hide momentarily. Neither the run led me to a destination and nor did I know what the journey I was on.
Then one fine day, my tired senses retaliated. I had nothing left in me but the desires to just be. That’s when I took the biggest test of all. I had to face my fears and there was no way out. Every single thing that I felt was unpleasant, I had to reason it out as to why and amicably detach. In the process, I realised hardly anything was and is unpleasant. It’s just the state of mind that I was in at the time of dealing with that person or the thing. The more negative I was on the inside, the more bitter my circumstances were on the outside. The more expectations I had on the inside, the harder no-treats zone I bumped into on the outside. The more I thought I could sail through easily; the vastness of the water made it awkward with the massive winds.
I paused and wondered.
In the process to just be, one of the key component was to know that the option to run away doesn’t exist. The way forward is to face the fears, nurture the pain, embrace the learnings and move ahead in strength.
Running is always easy. Ignoring is even cooler. But if one has to embrace knowledge than both running and ignoring need to be embedded in the knowledge of ethos not just based on feelings related to the state of mind.
By and large the screaming reality that one gets drawn to is to value oneself based on the worlds’ definition of success and failure. One, often is thought to be the reverse of the other. The very nature of the definitions aren’t contained or bounded by defined limits and ranges. There are abstract deductions on what might appear to be a success through the world lens and what might not and vice versa. Most of these parameters being covered in materials. This then begs to question the very existence of these definitions and then to question their impact on an individual’s self belief.
At the core sits this notion of impermanence very rigidly which even applies to the brain. The brain starts decaying gradually with age as has been shown and published in the literature. Attaching value or worth to impermanence then seems to be an interesting phenomenon of feeling good and worthwhile. Whereas in reality, this attachment in itself crawls on the shoulders of lies. Perhaps this is precisely why every definition and structure handed by this world runs out to change at the face of slightest threat. The torch bearers of such definitions run for covers when their lies and make belief stories to success are exposed. The failed ones, of course, stand no chance to voice their opinions because the materials aren’t drool worthy to report.
In these circumstances, where death is our only reality and a mark of pemanence, shouldn’t success and failure simply be left onto love and thoughts to judge rather than fame and materials? Because come to think anout it, a healthy mind and a loving heart are all that an individual needs to live barring all definitions.
The question is do you really inspire someone or do you just motivate someone? Someone else’s story and journey can always act as a motivation, can also act as a learning that you can use but it can’t be your inspiration. Learning is not inspiring. Learning is acquiring knowledge. The dissemination of knowledge beyond solving problems and being able to carry routines, is probably what inspiration is. A closer look would reveal that you are your own inspiration. The inspiration is you. The sustainability model that you function with does need motivation from time to time but truly that can’t inspire you. The reason is simple. You are your story and you live your story each second, each minute and through each day. No one else does that. If your feelings are inside you, which do need words and gestures for someone else to understand, then how can someone else’s words or gestures inspire the so very you? They can and they do act as motivational catalysts from time to time while you are working on routines, but beyond that it is all inside you. The deeper and transparent you are to you, the lesser the need to look for inspirations outside of you, especially look for inspirations in other bodies and other stories which may or may not be similar to you.
When I first asked this prostitute in Sonagachi, why didn’t she raise her voice against abuse, she said to me that she couldn’t because she is a prostitute and has to deal with it. I resigned to the fact that perhaps ‘abuse’ is driven by profession. Maybe if she was qualified enough, she would raise her voice against the abuse that she has been subjected to, is what I thought to myself ..
Years later when I asked myself the same question as to why didn’t I raise my voice against the mental and physical abuse that I was subjected to in my own personal space; I realised that education plays no role in raising your voice against anything 😊 Well, I am far more educated than most people on planet earth but I chose to suffer silently than raise my voice.
To suffer, perhaps came pretty naturally to me because maybe somewhere I started believing that I deserved to be abused. Maybe this is when my educated mind took a backseat and boy! It’s been seating at the back for way too long 🤣🤣🤣 I doubt that I have ever loved that back bench in life while I was being given all that education on rights and life but clearly when life happened to me, I comfortably chose the back seat and suffered.
It took me a real long time to open up to my own self and to accept that I was being abused and that I didn’t deserve it 😊 The next thing I needed to do was to either let it continue or put an end to it. This part was where I struggled massively because I was used to it and then suddenly getting in that unknown zone was pretty daunting and of course, I was skeptical of everything and everyone by this time of life.
By this time, mistrust and self doubt were my best friends. I had a strong pull towards putting a stop to this in order to breathe without fear. And I took the long unimaginable nine years to shout my lungs out and say I have had enough of this.
Hence, as I come to the end of 2017, I have a massive learning to share that to recognise the fact that you are being abused might take a while, accepting it might take even longer but then putting an end to it or to carry on with it shouldn’t take you your entire life! And of course, the fear of the unknown will always be there, but then once you stand facing your own fears, I guess a path is bound to appear ❤️
I wish you all, a very best 2018 and an abuse free, humiliation free 2018 in every form and in every space of your being ❤️❤️❤️
There are a million reasons to why I do and at the same time, I don’t love you; there are a million reasons to why I say this is false and that is true.
I am discretely irrational and predictable in my choices; I have always been this way irrespective of the surroundings and voices.
You pointed out to me that I run on the wire of existential crisis; I cut my feet and hands out but I put the wire in me, made it pass through my veins.
I don’t take your critisicms personally, just in case you thought I did; I just look at them through my window of thought and let them grow into me deep.
Love, unfortunately, couldn’t grow like a mushroom; I never could gather enough dirt on it and neither could leave it turning into a loom.
There are always a million reasons that I can cite or create and even make them look convincing at your face. I won’t do any of it though, for one simple reason and that’s my honest unprecedented love for you.
To the world that’s moving so fast
I have something to say that might be a bit harsh
I want to say that ‘power’ is a made up word; blinds the eyes of a blood seeking sword
I want to tell you that humans were and are bundles of will
To say I am right and he is wrong is then just a cheap, transient thrill
I can thrive at your loss and survive at the fittest game
While loosing the essence of the self it can and never will be the same
We started off stark naked, we would leave the same way
To then build empires with portraits, let me ask, is it worth the materialistic gain?
If I were to build and if I were to rescue
Couldn’t I have done a better job by just letting you be you?
I trust the heart that beats and pumps the blood
Mine is red, I know yours is too
If I am, then are you, and many a times, I am dependent on you
My redness hasn’t decreased in time, I am sure yours too has followed the same gene pool and blood line
So why do I have to prove or disprove my being to you? I exist and so do you.
Since when has power backed by money come to decide that I lead and you follow?
I admit that I did collect a bit more than I could swallow
The rest I spent on building bridges, buying materials and making weapons,
I wanted to protect my self from my own breed of men
Why do I need protection? Did I ever ask?
If I were to let you love me and love you back, would we still break our faith and trust?
While I did this, you did that,
Who am I to judge your perceived notion of fact?
What I was born with, you too were,
All we ever had was an entire universe
The sun’s never changed it’s course for you or me,
It’s always been further out and never in our vicinity
We drew it close because we had the same needs
Then doubts, desires overtook and it became a fallacy!
When do I or you then blame the sun or the universe for our miseries?
We have and will always keep what we genuinely owned far away from our self perceived ideas of humanity
I have my share of the daily bread, I work on keeping me alive
Why would I judge you for you too can have an identical stride?
I can and so can you,
So then, where is the manmade power holding us through?
I don’t want to lead you and neither do I want to follow
I want to be me and I want you to be you.