My friend. In pain. 

‘In pain and in suffering, I’ll be there for you’
I had said it once! 

Little did I know that 10 years on she would call with a statement ‘I am terrible. Did you hear that, I am a terrible terrible human.’

It was hard to hear her cry over phone,

It was hard to explain anything to her.

All I could gather that she was made to feel pathetic and she was torn apart. 

The world that she was a part of convinced her that she wasn’t theirs from the end to the start.

I couldn’t comprehend her pain,

I couldn’t convince her otherwise,

When she felt her integrity was scrutinised.

She spoke at length and I heard in silence,

I kept repeating that she was in denial.

She didn’t seem to hear me right,

Instead she declared to me that she was completely unfit to fight with life. 

I will always miss you, my dear friend. 

I trusted time and I thought we had enough

Somehow I believed we could meet and chat even though wake hours were tough 

I knew I had a lot to tell you and I knew you had a lot to share 

Of life and broken veins 

Of trust and undefined pain 

Somehow I got it all wrong. 

Your last breath took you real far 

My friend in you, died with your body car 

I can play pretend and repeat a thousand times 

That I know your soul will live with me till my last cry 

But I also know that it will be a lie 

I misjudged the time I had, to see the physical you, to meet, chat and weave few more dreams through 

Now that I have lost you, 

I sit back and think 

Our memories are all that I have to hold onto as I let your absence sink 

I know that time is one big healer of pain 

I so wish I had used it wisely; to weave pieces of our life story than to contemplate after you are gone, in vain. 

I will always miss you, my dear friend. 

At times .. 

my pain is not because I got hurt and can’t move
It’s because you believe that I shouldn’t move

my pain is not because of the labels that I carry
It’s because you believe that I should carry them

my pain is not because I treat myself to dust
but because you believe that I am an object of lust

my pain is not because of my low self esteem
It’s because you believe I deserve to live on the seam

my pain is not because of who I am deep within but because you believe you hold an explanation to the existence of my soul herein