Facing the fear.

There was a time when I thought and wished if all problems disappeared somehow without me having to deal with any of them. There was also a time when I felt that running away from everyone and everything that was unpleasant, challenged me and made me feel like an idiot was the way forward in life. In the process of running away and turning my back at everything that wasn’t in sync with me, I found myself in a big dark patch of life. In a patch where nothing could touch me but everything felt nice momentarily. Also, in that patch, I no longer knew who I was and where I wanted to go.

Like when things work in moments, the art of collecting those moments to make a life is when living and knowledge play a crucial role but if I have been keeping myself away from all criticisms and shielding myself from the negatives, then what knowledge would I have gathered? None, I believe. Hence, I never knew how to turn moments into life because by and large, while I ran very hard from everything that bothered me momentarily, I also found places to hide momentarily. Neither the run led me to a destination and nor did I know what the journey I was on.

Then one fine day, my tired senses retaliated. I had nothing left in me but the desires to just be. That’s when I took the biggest test of all. I had to face my fears and there was no way out. Every single thing that I felt was unpleasant, I had to reason it out as to why and amicably detach. In the process, I realised hardly anything was and is unpleasant. It’s just the state of mind that I was in at the time of dealing with that person or the thing. The more negative I was on the inside, the more bitter my circumstances were on the outside. The more expectations I had on the inside, the harder no-treats zone I bumped into on the outside. The more I thought I could sail through easily; the vastness of the water made it awkward with the massive winds.

I paused and wondered.

In the process to just be, one of the key component was to know that the option to run away doesn’t exist. The way forward is to face the fears, nurture the pain, embrace the learnings and move ahead in strength.

Running is always easy. Ignoring is even cooler. But if one has to embrace knowledge than both running and ignoring need to be embedded in the knowledge of ethos not just based on feelings related to the state of mind.

Judgements. Social Media.

I became friends with one of the neighbours on Facebook and the first thing the neighbour asked my mother was whether everything was fine about my relationship? She could not find photos of me and my partner on my wall posts hence it was a ‘but obvious’ thing to ask out of concern.

It then drew me to the fact that how much of judgement of who you are goes around due to your social media posts? The answer is A LOT. I remember I have been asked about my relationship status by another old school friend of mine when I added him to my friends list. He then gave me a free piece of advice to put more and more photos of me with my partner so that the world gets to know how happy we are together and to make a statement that everything is fine as far as my relationship status is concerned.

I don’t have a problem with people promoting their love on social media and neither do I have an issue with people like me not talking about my love on social media. I do not base my opinions on someone’s personal space based on their social media shares and neither do I judge them for they don’t share.

I thought perhaps I missed the biggest point as to why social media gained prominence in the first place. I always thought it was to connect and to share, not to promote my life and especially open up my personal space to the outer world. I should be allowed to breathe in my own little space when I can because I won’t be able to share anything if I am clouded by judgements on what I should do and shouldn’t do to be branded as ‘normal’ by the society.

This then brought me to a fairly interesting idea that are we humans in general like this? Are we literally drawn into the pain of others rather than their no-pain zones of life? Is it because showing sympathy comes more naturally than empathy? I don’t have these answers but I like the questions nevertheless.

 

The Image. Dominates?

It should be fine to hold onto your own opinions and rights in presence of opposition and conflict. However, seems that these days people love to be right and correct all the time and their way to deal with conflict is to erase, to ban and block them. Erase, ban and block not the conflict or the opinion but the individual.

My question then is what do you block eventually? Do you block the negatives because of the fear that it could perhaps damage your image? or do you ban the negatives that are not in line with your own hidden agenda of accumulating praises because it can influence the flow of accolades negatively?

It should be all right to be able to defend your position given the negatives that your opinions draws because at the end of the day, opinions are not facts. One single fact can give rise to either a strong positive opinion or a strong negative opinion and can also have no opinion whatsoever. And none of those opinions have any impact on the underlying fact. Hence, where is the need to ban, to erase or to block?

With the rise in the tendency to block, ban and wiping out voices that do not match our own, we are spreading everything but love and are tempting more and more voices to be in line with us. What gives us the right to believe in the fact that even our own voice is not a conditioned one?

This then leads us to believe that each time you block an opposing voice, you are indirectly pushing masses towards the same conditions as you, both in terms of thoughts and actions. In other words, in order to protect the image that you have of you or the image that you would like others to hold of you, you are willing to choose the option of wiping out voices and opinions than addressing them.

Although, this is one of the growing trends in the world that we live in. Wipe out, block and ban rather than address the contradiction with humility and in knowledge. Either way, our own human history tells us that wiping out has never helped humanity in any form or feature; whereas sharing and debating has.

I don’t think we are at a point where we need to be right. We are surely at a point where we need to show more compassion and love the indifference that is thrown at our opinions and at our being because that is the only way we can grow and perhaps even slide away the image masks that we swear at in person but still wear in all seasons.

 

Healing.

Healing is a class act. Wounds do heal and along with those the cracks that appear in the process of becoming to unbecoming or vice-versa, heal as well. It is the healing of these cracks that leave one feeling connected, human and in love with the self.

The occurrence of every would is not external and the impact of every inner, well thought, decision can be damaging. Hence, healing your own self from your own little damages along with the external wounds is perhaps what can be passed on as ‘living’.

In a world where we are deeply encouraged to connect, to share and to talk about our opinions, healing somewhere sides in with silence. The silence of your being, not wanting to prove or to disprove, the silence of words which perhaps mean a lot or don’t and the silence of thoughts with either resonate or don’t, hold the power to heal the cracks within you that have resulted because of you.

Hence, I feel, the only class act that one can engage is in healing. Although brokenness has its own charm and beauty, a healed one holds that beauty with strength and grace.

And then there was me.

It would be crazy and stupid to expect someone to observe me. Silently. Unless, of course, I am in a hospital bed or coma. In life, I mean, it would be crazy to expect someone to observe me and not speak a word or express concern or speak behind me or discuss me or ridicule me or praise me. Hence, after a lot of thought and accepting defeat in finding someone outside of me, I decided to observe me.

I was inevitably in hate and a complete dislike had covered me from all possible angles when I started as an observer. I could find tons and thousands of flaws and I could never reason my behaviour. Who triggered what and why it get triggered and not that and how was I to know and what was I to act or not act.. I found myself drowning in a pool of uncertainty about being me.

I gave up. So much so for being an observer; I thought well let me be the one in the crowd and let people judge. I don’t need to observe me. I couldn’t sustain.

I had to come back to observe me. This time I decided not to pass any judgement, not to mingle with the thoughts and not to speak. I would simply observe.

I was the best of writers one day. I was the worst of friend the other day. I was the best student one day. I was the worst daughter the next. I was the beautiful partner one evening and I was the worst companion the next. I oscillated.

The space stayed the same. Just as I discovered my capabilities to scream my heart out at someone, I discovered my unique abilities to love. I discovered that I could sustain anger to a point of revenge and I could love to a point of suffocation. I learnt that as much as I enjoyed reading, I did hesitate to share. I also discovered that I had no problems in holding onto my own biases in the face of threat.

As the months turned into years, the observer got a chair. The comfort of an observers’ chair just knew to love, to laugh and to accept. I, then, was left with just a plain and simple choice of living the life being me. Being the observer me 😊

All the things ..

All the things that trouble me are my thoughts. Not only my thoughts but every other thought that’s thrown at me with a lot of conviction is also troubling. At times, I wonder, just these two words ‘I think’ create so much of stir inside that it gets to a point of no return. Whether this ‘I’ is you saying it to me or me saying it to me is irrelevant. Just the fact that this ‘I’ is succeeded by ‘think’ is good enough to trigger every possible emotion and raise the levels of anxiety in me.

I have always known and heard way too many times how I am not the body, how I am not the thoughts, how I am beyond all this but then the minute I step into life, thoughts become a part of my breath, things become a part of my being and somewhere all that I get reduced to is a thrash can trying to hold everything within.

I wish replacing thoughts with love was easy. I wish replacing thoughts with trust was easy. I know I am not there yet but I do know that it is where I want to be. Thoughtless for sure but in love and trust forever.

You.

You be your light, your strength, your praise and your delight.

You be who you want to be, what your heart desires.

You be ruled by the virtues, hold the vices far.

You be your own inner self and never put on a mask.

You walk and mend your broken roads as life would demand.

You look back at you in the mirror when time runs you down rough.

You unchain your dreams, raise your patience and fill your heart with love.

You feel every feeling that is filled in you and even shoved.

You be the lyrics of the song that you would like to sing and dance.

You be the rhythmic pulse of the universe that you were always set out to develop.

You having this body and not that, shouldn’t discourage you.

You being in power and not, shouldn’t encourage you.

You be the diver that shuns fear in its face.

You be the leader of you, that is here to be a part of this very human race.

You be not someone else other than you; you be guided by the truth that is you.