Facing the fear.

There was a time when I thought and wished if all problems disappeared somehow without me having to deal with any of them. There was also a time when I felt that running away from everyone and everything that was unpleasant, challenged me and made me feel like an idiot was the way forward in life. In the process of running away and turning my back at everything that wasn’t in sync with me, I found myself in a big dark patch of life. In a patch where nothing could touch me but everything felt nice momentarily. Also, in that patch, I no longer knew who I was and where I wanted to go.

Like when things work in moments, the art of collecting those moments to make a life is when living and knowledge play a crucial role but if I have been keeping myself away from all criticisms and shielding myself from the negatives, then what knowledge would I have gathered? None, I believe. Hence, I never knew how to turn moments into life because by and large, while I ran very hard from everything that bothered me momentarily, I also found places to hide momentarily. Neither the run led me to a destination and nor did I know what the journey I was on.

Then one fine day, my tired senses retaliated. I had nothing left in me but the desires to just be. That’s when I took the biggest test of all. I had to face my fears and there was no way out. Every single thing that I felt was unpleasant, I had to reason it out as to why and amicably detach. In the process, I realised hardly anything was and is unpleasant. It’s just the state of mind that I was in at the time of dealing with that person or the thing. The more negative I was on the inside, the more bitter my circumstances were on the outside. The more expectations I had on the inside, the harder no-treats zone I bumped into on the outside. The more I thought I could sail through easily; the vastness of the water made it awkward with the massive winds.

I paused and wondered.

In the process to just be, one of the key component was to know that the option to run away doesn’t exist. The way forward is to face the fears, nurture the pain, embrace the learnings and move ahead in strength.

Running is always easy. Ignoring is even cooler. But if one has to embrace knowledge than both running and ignoring need to be embedded in the knowledge of ethos not just based on feelings related to the state of mind.

Be you.

The question is do you really inspire someone or do you just motivate someone? Someone else’s story and journey can always act as a motivation, can also act as a learning that you can use but it can’t be your inspiration. Learning is not inspiring. Learning is acquiring knowledge. The dissemination of knowledge beyond solving problems and being able to carry routines, is probably what inspiration is. A closer look would reveal that you are your own inspiration. The inspiration is you. The sustainability model that you function with does need motivation from time to time but truly that can’t inspire you. The reason is simple. You are your story and you live your story each second, each minute and through each day. No one else does that. If your feelings are inside you, which do need words and gestures for someone else to understand, then how can someone else’s words or gestures inspire the so very you? They can and they do act as motivational catalysts from time to time while you are working on routines, but beyond that it is all inside you. The deeper and transparent you are to you, the lesser the need to look for inspirations outside of you, especially look for inspirations in other bodies and other stories which may or may not be similar to you.

Opinions. Judgements. 

If I am made to sit and judge a beauty pageant, chances of me ruining it are sky high. Even though I am sure I’ll be great with the numbers but my biases will be so strong and untrained that I am bound to misjudge everything. But imagine; if I did take up the offer to be a judge because someone else feels that I am fit for the job, and if I let that someone’s feelings become my mantra, and sit on that chair, I, for sure, will be guided by my vanity and pride.

How many times does this really happen .. That you are commenting, judging and giving random opinions on things that you rarely know anything about?! A LOT. Just because we all, more or less, have an access to a space where we can project anything and everything, doesn’t necessarily mean that we must.

I do agree that all of us are stories and we have all the rights to live our stories and even to share them. But do we really have the rights and are trained enough to comment on every story?! Life, isn’t really a film. Films are etched out of life, for sure and thus everyone having an opinion on them (as in films) is justified. Whereas, on life, itself?! How just is that?! 

Biases never leave us. We can never ever measure them either. We can simulate them. Which means we keep running through loads of possible permutations and combinations of the same model; we all do that inevitably. We run our mini life sustaining models day in and out with just few tweaks here and there .. As a result, what we stand for today, changes tomorrow and then what we believe in today, gets either strengthened in time or we move away.. However, at no given point, do we hold the key to the acute and precise understanding of life, itself. We live it, through it, and in it. 

Given this, we do have cohorts. Cohorts that are knowledgeable, that are intellectual, that think and articulate thoughts well, that question to understand; not to judge. We all hold the rights to these cohorts. We belong to one of these many cohorts based on our experiences, education and exposure in life. Although, not every cohort experience is self enriching but then it’s best to have your knowledge and skills tested by the people who understand your work. The opinion of your cohort on you then becomes your lead into life. You rely on them for your growth, you rely on them for your understanding. And it’s they, whose opinions and judgements should matter. 

These public votes on selecting singers, dancers, models and what not, is utterly ridiculous because half the population doesn’t even know what makes a singer singer. Just because I feel like staring at this beautiful face, I am going to keep voting for the face to stay .. reads ridiculous, I am sure and it’s perhaps what happens constantly. Just because that is a friend, I am going to do this as a favour .. Just because of this and that .. And with loads of just because’s .. We all end up in this space where scratching backs, licking asses .. feels alright. 

I do know that money is important and mimicking set avenues for making money isn’t wrong. But then mimicking them shouldn’t take you away from the basic knowledge that you are mimicking it with probably a different model .. You haven’t created the model. If you did create the model, then you wouldn’t be judging or holding an opinion on it because it’s the use and abuse that generates opinions not the creation per se.  

Oh well ❤️ 

You, the life

That awkward sensation of a touch, 

that feeling of being loved, 

that moment when your world collapsed, 

the burden of being lied; 

that process of breathing that you had to re-learn, 

that accountability that you had to burn, 

the roads that you had to stare, 

that journey which was fruitlessly despair; 

the sentence that broke your soul, 

the gifts that burned your clothes, 

that freedom that even you envisage, 

that glory that you would rather cultivate; 

the nation that you have always loved, 

the books that you have covered up; 

the writings that you have torn into pieces, 

the knowledge that you reuse to cliche; 

that body of yours, when it was criticised, 

that moment when your associations failed to divine; 

the dilemma that you breathe in, we all do; 

you’re the mother, the carrier of life, 

undeniably broken yet forgivingly new.