There was a time when I thought and wished if all problems disappeared somehow without me having to deal with any of them. There was also a time when I felt that running away from everyone and everything that was unpleasant, challenged me and made me feel like an idiot was the way forward in life. In the process of running away and turning my back at everything that wasn’t in sync with me, I found myself in a big dark patch of life. In a patch where nothing could touch me but everything felt nice momentarily. Also, in that patch, I no longer knew who I was and where I wanted to go.
Like when things work in moments, the art of collecting those moments to make a life is when living and knowledge play a crucial role but if I have been keeping myself away from all criticisms and shielding myself from the negatives, then what knowledge would I have gathered? None, I believe. Hence, I never knew how to turn moments into life because by and large, while I ran very hard from everything that bothered me momentarily, I also found places to hide momentarily. Neither the run led me to a destination and nor did I know what the journey I was on.
Then one fine day, my tired senses retaliated. I had nothing left in me but the desires to just be. That’s when I took the biggest test of all. I had to face my fears and there was no way out. Every single thing that I felt was unpleasant, I had to reason it out as to why and amicably detach. In the process, I realised hardly anything was and is unpleasant. It’s just the state of mind that I was in at the time of dealing with that person or the thing. The more negative I was on the inside, the more bitter my circumstances were on the outside. The more expectations I had on the inside, the harder no-treats zone I bumped into on the outside. The more I thought I could sail through easily; the vastness of the water made it awkward with the massive winds.
I paused and wondered.
In the process to just be, one of the key component was to know that the option to run away doesn’t exist. The way forward is to face the fears, nurture the pain, embrace the learnings and move ahead in strength.
Running is always easy. Ignoring is even cooler. But if one has to embrace knowledge than both running and ignoring need to be embedded in the knowledge of ethos not just based on feelings related to the state of mind.
When I first asked this prostitute in Sonagachi, why didn’t she raise her voice against abuse, she said to me that she couldn’t because she is a prostitute and has to deal with it. I resigned to the fact that perhaps ‘abuse’ is driven by profession. Maybe if she was qualified enough, she would raise her voice against the abuse that she has been subjected to, is what I thought to myself ..
Years later when I asked myself the same question as to why didn’t I raise my voice against the mental and physical abuse that I was subjected to in my own personal space; I realised that education plays no role in raising your voice against anything 😊 Well, I am far more educated than most people on planet earth but I chose to suffer silently than raise my voice.
To suffer, perhaps came pretty naturally to me because maybe somewhere I started believing that I deserved to be abused. Maybe this is when my educated mind took a backseat and boy! It’s been seating at the back for way too long 🤣🤣🤣 I doubt that I have ever loved that back bench in life while I was being given all that education on rights and life but clearly when life happened to me, I comfortably chose the back seat and suffered.
It took me a real long time to open up to my own self and to accept that I was being abused and that I didn’t deserve it 😊 The next thing I needed to do was to either let it continue or put an end to it. This part was where I struggled massively because I was used to it and then suddenly getting in that unknown zone was pretty daunting and of course, I was skeptical of everything and everyone by this time of life.
By this time, mistrust and self doubt were my best friends. I had a strong pull towards putting a stop to this in order to breathe without fear. And I took the long unimaginable nine years to shout my lungs out and say I have had enough of this.
Hence, as I come to the end of 2017, I have a massive learning to share that to recognise the fact that you are being abused might take a while, accepting it might take even longer but then putting an end to it or to carry on with it shouldn’t take you your entire life! And of course, the fear of the unknown will always be there, but then once you stand facing your own fears, I guess a path is bound to appear ❤️
I wish you all, a very best 2018 and an abuse free, humiliation free 2018 in every form and in every space of your being ❤️❤️❤️