It would be crazy and stupid to expect someone to observe me. Silently. Unless, of course, I am in a hospital bed or coma. In life, I mean, it would be crazy to expect someone to observe me and not speak a word or express concern or speak behind me or discuss me or ridicule me or praise me. Hence, after a lot of thought and accepting defeat in finding someone outside of me, I decided to observe me.
I was inevitably in hate and a complete dislike had covered me from all possible angles when I started as an observer. I could find tons and thousands of flaws and I could never reason my behaviour. Who triggered what and why it get triggered and not that and how was I to know and what was I to act or not act.. I found myself drowning in a pool of uncertainty about being me.
I gave up. So much so for being an observer; I thought well let me be the one in the crowd and let people judge. I don’t need to observe me. I couldn’t sustain.
I had to come back to observe me. This time I decided not to pass any judgement, not to mingle with the thoughts and not to speak. I would simply observe.
I was the best of writers one day. I was the worst of friend the other day. I was the best student one day. I was the worst daughter the next. I was the beautiful partner one evening and I was the worst companion the next. I oscillated.
The space stayed the same. Just as I discovered my capabilities to scream my heart out at someone, I discovered my unique abilities to love. I discovered that I could sustain anger to a point of revenge and I could love to a point of suffocation. I learnt that as much as I enjoyed reading, I did hesitate to share. I also discovered that I had no problems in holding onto my own biases in the face of threat.
As the months turned into years, the observer got a chair. The comfort of an observers’ chair just knew to love, to laugh and to accept. I, then, was left with just a plain and simple choice of living the life being me. Being the observer me 😊
All the things that trouble me are my thoughts. Not only my thoughts but every other thought that’s thrown at me with a lot of conviction is also troubling. At times, I wonder, just these two words ‘I think’ create so much of stir inside that it gets to a point of no return. Whether this ‘I’ is you saying it to me or me saying it to me is irrelevant. Just the fact that this ‘I’ is succeeded by ‘think’ is good enough to trigger every possible emotion and raise the levels of anxiety in me.
I have always known and heard way too many times how I am not the body, how I am not the thoughts, how I am beyond all this but then the minute I step into life, thoughts become a part of my breath, things become a part of my being and somewhere all that I get reduced to is a thrash can trying to hold everything within.
I wish replacing thoughts with love was easy. I wish replacing thoughts with trust was easy. I know I am not there yet but I do know that it is where I want to be. Thoughtless for sure but in love and trust forever.
Why do we seek ‘reality’.. Who seeks reality?! Who is it that wants to know what is real and what is not?! 😊 The one that seeks is perhaps this mind in this body. The brain helps it. It has all functional parts and then the chemicals and we are all sorted with what is real, what is conscious, what is subconscious and what is not any of this. Thoughts help to ease the knowledge and they also help you raise the complexity surrounding this very knowledge. Feelings on the other hand set you free. The journey from thoughts to theories to feelings is convoluted and hence experiences occupy a large part of our dominant decision making areas. However, reality is as unreal and real in each and every dimension when you seek it from this body and in every state that the brain can possibly go in. The ‘awakening’ then just becomes stateless, mindless, body less. It is nothing. It is all about nothingness.
If equality is what we seek and that’s what is the call of the hour, then where are the stories on women abusing women and women abusing men, when they are in power?!
I find it extremely difficult to live with the fact that each time a woman is abused by a man, the entire globe feels a need to come together and raise an alarm. But where is the same globe and it’s alarm when a woman is abused by another one from the same gender?! And even worse, where are the men who are victims of abuse by women in power?!
Just as all men aren’t saints, all women aren’t saints either. And then when we do get down to getting it all equal, then why aren’t we talking about the abuse that happens right in families, starting with women and other women being silent spectators of it?! Why aren’t we tagging and naming the women who have gone behind to ruin careers of other women at work?! Why aren’t we talking about women who have abused other women at every given point in their house and in social circles?!
If a man checking out a woman counts as an ‘assault’ then a woman checking out a woman too should be counted as an assault. Not all women check out other women out of compassion and sisterhood. Mostly, it is to compare, discard and to judge. So then, if equality is what we seek, let us seek it completely and entirely .. This partial seeking of an equal world where I am a woman and therefore all men are self centred bastards won’t really work.
To every thing that I can add, I have a delete option as well. Imagine this, if I could only add and not delete or could only delete and not add. Would I still be this reckless on knowing each and everything on social media? Would I still be promoting my brands and creativity through social media? Would I still be participating in campaigns on social media?
The comfort that is perhaps available to me and to everyone else is the fact that I am able to change my mind by deleting or blocking or hiding someone’s feed or someone or something that I don’t like or that I don’t approve of or that something is hurtful. I can take my chances of participating in any hashtag and be proud to be a part of any campaign that I feel like because I know that chances of me having to validate my likes are low unless of course, I am a celebrity and then the equations change. But I am talking about this from a non celebrity perspective.
If I could not delete anything and I could only add everything and participate in everything, would I do that or would I complain about my freedom of choice? I am sure I would or perhaps I would go beyond my usual senses and use cognition to make my judgements in terms of who to know and what to know.
But with clicks right at our disposal and touch screens making lives easy, the basic instinctive perspective on what feels right, has somewhere gone missing. It’s no longer leading us into a society where individuals think. It is more like how to make it faster or better than the other using different links. And then, we all have blocking available to all of us. We don’t like something, block it. We don’t like someone, block them.
I am sure this very universe gave us the right senses to block things out so why do the clicks need to mimic them to be in line? I feel with every little step that we take towards becoming worldly aware, we are losing out the clicks and links to be who we are at the inside. Because think about this, if everything could be seen and learnt through machines, why is it that we are still struggling with them to put thoughts and feelings in?
You be your light, your strength, your praise and your delight.
You be who you want to be, what your heart desires.
You be ruled by the virtues, hold the vices far.
You be your own inner self and never put on a mask.
You walk and mend your broken roads as life would demand.
You look back at you in the mirror when time runs you down rough.
You unchain your dreams, raise your patience and fill your heart with love.
You feel every feeling that is filled in you and even shoved.
You be the lyrics of the song that you would like to sing and dance.
You be the rhythmic pulse of the universe that you were always set out to develop.
You having this body and not that, shouldn’t discourage you.
You being in power and not, shouldn’t encourage you.
You be the diver that shuns fear in its face.
You be the leader of you, that is here to be a part of this very human race.
You be not someone else other than you; you be guided by the truth that is you.
The question is do you really inspire someone or do you just motivate someone? Someone else’s story and journey can always act as a motivation, can also act as a learning that you can use but it can’t be your inspiration. Learning is not inspiring. Learning is acquiring knowledge. The dissemination of knowledge beyond solving problems and being able to carry routines, is probably what inspiration is. A closer look would reveal that you are your own inspiration. The inspiration is you. The sustainability model that you function with does need motivation from time to time but truly that can’t inspire you. The reason is simple. You are your story and you live your story each second, each minute and through each day. No one else does that. If your feelings are inside you, which do need words and gestures for someone else to understand, then how can someone else’s words or gestures inspire the so very you? They can and they do act as motivational catalysts from time to time while you are working on routines, but beyond that it is all inside you. The deeper and transparent you are to you, the lesser the need to look for inspirations outside of you, especially look for inspirations in other bodies and other stories which may or may not be similar to you.