random scribbler .. s .. 

To associate supreme power to a force outside me is a very comforting thought! It saves me from feeling bad or sad or even owning up to my own strengths and weaknesses. I always have someone to blame! More often than not, this someone that I blame is ‘God’. 

I believe in God. I love God. I pray to God. And I even at times end up striking deals with God. The very rational and scientific me knows for sure that this outward projection of my fears, of my insecurities, of my desires and also of my inhibitions is all manifested deep within me. On the outside I find a strange solace in talking to God and maybe holding him responsible for half my things not going right and even loving him when I get what I think I want! 

One fine day a sudden realisation took me by surprise; it made me smile and it made me wonder .. What if there is no physical or mental or any manifestation of this term called ‘God’.. What if all that is, is just us with our minds which loves to perceive and loves to associate the weaknesses and somewhere maybe the strengths to an outside entity? 

At many levels there’s a strange serene peace and calmness in the knowledge that it is not me. It is not this physical me that is or was in charge of my destiny. It is not this pshyical me that is or was responsible for the state of being that I am in. It’s not ‘me’.. And it is someone called ‘God’ .. Someone who I believe in, someone who I love, someone who created me – you know what I mean?! What a relief that is – knowing that it is not ‘me’. 

Then comes a huge knowledge block that’s thrown from the outside world .. God’s there! You must realise God. You must meditate. Go deep within to realise God. Realise! Feel! Feel the power. It’s all in you. It’s not outside. Wow! Thanks! At least there’s a group of thinkers that believe that God is not outside of me. Their part of the story is that God is in me! Cool then! There begins another journey of getting in .. 

I don’t know what I get by getting in! There’s a mysteriously anxious me that can barely wait to meet God in me! And I start on my journey into the world of meditation or self discovery more like it. 

This part of the inside journey is something that no one can ever explain in words to you because it is personal to the very core. I even forgot the hypothesis that I started my journey with.. God right?! I had to meet God. I wanted to see God. Feel God. And in turn I ended up questioning everything that held me together. 

My ego! My words! My actions! My inactions! My motivation! My passion! My desire! My achievements! My failures! And so on .. The more I looked inside the more I could not hold myself together anymore. The more I dug deep, the “me”, the physical “me” made no sense to me. I was exposed to the darker and deeper vulnerabilities of my own self. My inhibitions were out in the open, my beliefs were also out in the open – naked. Everything that I questioned, questioned me back. Everything that I thought “i” stood for, crumbled and fell on the floor. The more I went in the more I felt I didn’t belong to me anymore. 

I paused life! 

God – then, was my belief! Was my trust! Was my faith! Was my love! 

God – now is my love! Because everything else doesn’t make any sense anymore. Trust who?! Believe who?! Have faith in who?! 

Who am I in search of when I have an everyday struggle to fit into the “me”?! Maybe the struggle to fit in, the struggle to know, the struggle to understand is so struggling in itself that I no longer understand why do I have to know?! 

I lost more than I gained. The search of God and diving deep in made me lose every perspective that I had learnt in this world. What it left me with is this deep love for a completely broken me. I wouldn’t have known how broken I am from inside until I dived in.. And today I know what holds me together is a deep unfailing unconditional love. Maybe this love is what is God. Maybe this love is what is the power that holds us all together.. Maybe this is the love that we all seek from the very inside. Maybe or maybe not. 

But for me God is love and love is God. 

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